I went to the doctors today for a case of athlete’s foot that I can’t seem to shake. While sitting across from LCDR Flagg, I had a moment of panic when he mentioned diabetes. He could see that I was overweight and the idea of athlete’s foot that isn’t healing coupled with my weight brought him to raise this concern. After a few questions, the diabetes fear was quelled, but it was scary, and eye opening, nonetheless. He gave me the number of the base nutritionist and I will be calling tomorrow to make an appointment.
I think today really opened my eyes. Over the past several months I have made many “everything changes tomorrow” declarations, and they last for a few days before I fall back into old habits. But the fact that diabetes was even a THOUGHT in my doctor’s head scared me straight. Along with the phone number to a nutritionist, I walked out with a large supply of nicotine gum to kick this nasty habit of smoking. I don’t just want to be in shape, I want to be healthy. I want to feel clean and energized. I want to feel…good.
But you’re probably wondering about the picture. That’s a United States Coast Guard small boat. You see, about a year and a half ago, I was actually in relatively good shape. I had lost upwards of 80lbs so that I could join the Coast Guard, but I got lazy and I gained it all back and the dream of the Coast Guard seemed to slip away. I had accepted this to a certain extent and started going to college to pursue a degree in criminal justice so that I can become a part of a federal law enforcement agency. After some recent research, it seems that this may be a difficult task seeing that my wife is in the Coast Guard and we will be moving to a different part of the country every 4 years or so. It takes money to train a law enforcement officer of any kind, and it’s a big risk training someone who will be leaving shortly after starting.
So here I am. I feel renewed. I feel like I have caught the ‘bug’ again. The weight loss bug. I feel motivated. With this familiar feeling comes other familiar feelings of striving for the Coast Guard. It may sound corny but I have this strong desire to serve my country. I used to love visiting my Wife at her old small boat station when she would show me the base and all of the boats every. single. time. I visited. Whether she liked it or not. And I am grateful of those times because they kept me motivated. I miss that feeling. I miss looking forward to the Coast Guard. I miss getting secretly giddy every time I saw a Coast Guard helicopter in the air or a Coast Guard boat in the water. I miss seeing myself in the uniform and doing the job. I miss thinking of the pride I know I would feel to hold that title.
So I’ve decided to allow myself that feeling again. What better way to fulfill my goal of joining a federal law enforcement agency (which the Coast Guard falls under as well as a branch of the United States Military) while working around the issue of moving every 4 years than to actually join the branch that will be moving us!? But this will be a silent goal. This will be the last time I mention this goal. The next time anyone will hear of this goal is when I see forward progress in a recruiting process. This may sound ass backwards but I feel by letting everyone know would put too much pressure on me. So I will do this silently, but successfully.
But I will not allow this to consume me. Before, the Coast Guard was all I thought about. I felt that if, for whatever reason, I was not able to join the Coast Guard, I would be lost. I will continue going to school and if I get picked up before I finish, then I will continue my degree in the Coast Guard. And if I get through my recruiting process and there is in fact some reason I cannot join, then I will move on. I feel like I need to live in the present because for a long time, I have been focused on the future and all the ‘what if’s’ and not living in the present. The Coast Guard is what I want, but I will survive and enjoy life without it.
And to my Wife, who I know has concerns about us being married to eachother as well as the Coast Guard, I can promise you that no one and nothing will ever change who I am and I will always be the man that you married. I am doing this because it’s the only thing that I keep coming back to and the only thing I feel sure about in regards to a career. We can make this an adventure and enjoy our time together while being married member to member. I also promise you that I will put 110% of myself into this and I will show you how much I want it. I love you and thank you for always supporting me in all 6 million different roads I’ve attempted. And this time, I won’t make you give me any boat tours. ;)
Let’s. Fucking. Do. This.